Vat O' Fun Primer for New Vat Employees

Welcome, friend! Your choice of occupation at Vat O' Fun Industries has been a very wise one indeed! But before you start work, you must read and fully understand this primer guide, so you may fulfill your job to the best of your abilities!

Chapter 1: Vat HQ Server Computers

The main power of the Vat HQ runs behind 4 main servers. 1 central super-computer, and 3 less powerful but equally important subservers.

Vat Central Super-Computer

The Super Computer has been the main processing power behind the Vat for over 5 consecutive years. Time has not been kind to this server, and may crash at the slightest gust of wind or a door on the other side of Vat HQ that was shut just a tad too hard. All employees are required to shut doors very quietly and to not breathe heavily in the central super-computer room.

Vat Sub Computer 1: Vat-tendo 64 with Mischief Makers

Suprising as it may be, this little turd of a system is instantly changed into a hyperpowerful quantum computer with the capability to bend the flow of space and time at the mere press of a button thanks to the game inserted in its top. This allows Vat HQ to avoid radar detection by the U.S.S.R. (If you havent guessed by now, friend, Vat Director Dudley loves the game mischief makers like a child.)

Vat Sub Computer 2: Vatstation 2 with Grand Vat Auto: Fun City and Funobi (Funal Vatasy 10 not shown)

Previously a Sony Playstation 2, this console has been heavily altered by Vat Labs to work as a fun-dispensing unit, which filters out not-fun things (oxygen) from the air and replaces them with fun things (laughing gas).

Vat Sub Computer 3: Funcube

Also like the Vatstation 2, this computer was previously a popular gaming console, the Gamecube. Again altered by Vat Labs, this system now powers the Vat HQ jet-drive systems, which allows Vat HQ to move across the post-apocaylptic desert at over 200 miles per hour.

Chapter 2: Security is your Friend!!

Due to constant Sand Raider attacks and infiltration by Cobra Commander's spies, we have beefed up our security systems to allow us to view all parts of Vat HQ at all times. Also, we have trained a crack team of boxing nuns that are ready to beat the living puss out of any intruder on a moments notice.

Clownface Security Camera

These cheery little guys may not look like it, but if it wasn't for them, you wouldn't be alive to read this primer today! Many times have enemies broken in to Vat HQ, only to be caught in the act of sabotage by these cameras and immediately reported to central command.

Boxing Nun Batallion leader, Sister McPoogin

If you see Sister McPoogin charging down the halls of Vat HQ, you best get out of her way or you'll most likely get a few punches to the mouth before you're trampled down to the floor. Sister McPoogin was the most succesful result of Vat Labs chemical body enhancement experiments, which increased her strength and agility tenfold, but left her quite agressive. This makes her the perfect leader for the Boxing Nun Batallion, our first line of defense against a full-scale attack by the ruthless molemen.

Chapter 3: Your Equipment and You

Upon completion of this primer and the following tests, you will be given your set of standard issue equipment, which will be explained below.

Pirate Flag: This intimidating Jolly Roger is our symbol of alliance with the powerful yet benevolent Lard Pirates. When out on missions outside of Vat HQ, it is required that you carry this flag so you are not accidentally blown to shit by Lard Pirate tactical cannon strikes.

Wooden Broadsword: Utterly useless in hand to hand combat, this sword does nothing but make you look intimidating from a distance. Its not likely that this will scare anyone off, but all the real swords were already handed out and nobodys willing to give them up.

Grand Vat Auto: Fun City map: This useful map shows all the major roads and landmarks of Fun City

Vatboy Advance: Previously a Gameboy Advance, this handheld tool allows you to store important data (such as mission breifings and porn), communicate with Vat HQ, and play Advance Wars.

Viking Helmet: This stylish helmet gives you a favorable position in Odin's eye, granting you great power in battle against the dreaded anglo-saxon empire. Gugnir Spear not included.

Chapter 4: HQ Life

Vat HQ's fine cafeteria only serves the finest of foods. on todays menu: MEAT.

As of june 1st, 2034, all water fountains and pepsi machines will be replaced by Jones Soda machines. Not only is this fine soda offered to employees for free, messages such as "have fun!" and "watch out for radiation poisoning!" remind us all of what it means to be a Vat HQ employee.

All Vat HQ employees love jones soda, made apparent by approximately .005 percent of employee Stephen P. Milhouse's jones bottle collection.

Also for your enjoyment, our Vat Video now carries 10 different DVDs with the recent addition of Blazing Saddles and the popular Kung-Pow: Enter the Fist.

Chapter 5: Bonus Employee Jobs

Bonus jobs are offered to employees looking for an extra bit of cash they need to rent Kung Pow for the 42nd time. As of March 23rd, 2034, the following jobs are availble:

Janitorial Services: Due to Vat HQ's recent bout with the bubonic plauge, our janitorial staff has been sharply depopulated. Any employees willing to volunteer to help clean up the HQ will receive a weekly bonus of 150 Fun Credits.

Metroid Extermination: Recent security breaches in Vat Labs has caused several Alpha Metroid to be released into Vat HQ. The printout on titani-paper above represents what a Metroid looks like, information which was before now classified. 200 Fun Credits for each metroid returned to Vat Labs. Rumors of Metroids being able to suck the life force out of organic creatures is entirely false, and employees should not fear contact with these creatures.

Chapter 6: Beginning Your New Job!

Congratulations to you, new employee! You have finished this primer! Please report to the director of personell immediately to request your uniform, equipment, and barracks assignment. Have Fun!!