Evil Space Pirate Jeff - Log 06.18.01 - By Jerm

My crew and I discovered a strange rock floating in space today. Bob said it's an "asteroid" or some crazy talk like that. I didn't believe him, Bob never was one to know much about anything.

After several hours debating on what we should do, and after several hours of flying circular paths around the object we reached a somewhat unanimous decision. We were going into the deep dark cold to inspect the thing. It wasn't no asteroid, that's for damn sure.

Bob and Jim stayed behind... something about overactive bladders or something like that. It wasn't going to make any difference, myself and Bill were going to inspect the strange object.

We suited up, armed ourselves with the coveted double-barreled ion rifles in case we ran into some crazy ass dv-disecting droids like we had back on Gamok when we were runnin those funny smelling drugs. We weren't taking any chances, Bill lost one of his toes back there, and I wasn't bout to lose any of my body parts. I valued my peter for one thing.

So we went for the airlock and whipped on our tubes to keep us from floatin away. Damn good thing too, cuz the big thing had some gravitational pull to it, even more, it was slightly magnetized.

I wasn't so sure at first, but when Bill's head started cracking and moving in the wrong directions, I figured that metal plate in his head had somethin to do with it. Damn good thing I had some schooling back home.

I shouted in the com for Bill to let himself float to it's surface, but the dickhead couldn't do it... he said somethin about being too scared and his pants being too wet, so I took charge and went for it.

It didn't take long before I whacked my unit inside my unit as I crashed into the surface. After collecting myself I motioned for Bill to follow. Man, I didn't believe my eyes.

Bob had been right all along, the damn thing was some crazy ass asteroid of some sort. A giant rock in space! Ya don't see many of those. But something was special about it, and I could feel it in my inards.

Bill was complaining about having to take a leak. I just told him to shut the hell up and listen for a millisecond. But before we could do much about pissing ourselves the rock started splitting up like somethin was inside.

I remember yelling a bunch of expletives as I pointed back to our ship, but Bill and his nine toes weren't enough to make it back in time. I jumped in and shut the airlock just in time to see Bill start floating away, and a giant silver mass come out of the asteroid spitting out a bunch of little robot things.

I screamed to the controls to get moving but it was too damn late, the robots snatched up Bill like he was a Gardothian doll, took him back to the bigger ship and put him inside.

"Damn!" I had shouted. "Arm the big ass guns to unleash on this Yerna Molestor!"

So Jim did it and started firing blast after blast, making a pretty big hole in the side of the ship. That was that, I was going in for my bud, with no fear of what strange butt plugging creatures might lie inside.

Then I heard Bob as I raced out into space, commenting about the markings on the hull of the enemy's ship:

"Oh shit, that's a Boltonian vessel."